For Real

Looks like it's going to be a chili pepper Thanksgiving this year, Tucson.

For real

I almost DIED this morning!

I woke up early early early so I could drive in rush hour traffic, hop on the rush hour metro, switch trains and meet Lisa at Union Station for her eight hour layover. I was all the way in the left lane on 395 going north when I see a red pickup truck riding up against the rail to the right. All the sudden the truck hangs a SHARP left, cuts across four lanes of traffic, and T-bones the car DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF ME. Both the cars spin and crash into the rail. Everybody in the left lane comes to a stop and a car pulls up in the right lane, left side all dented in, and a man gets out and starts yelling at the guy squeezing out his nearly immobile driver side door. The guy who was hit got out and immediately pulled out his cell and I spent the next five minutes trying really hard to get around them.



This is the third car accident I've been bystander to! Could I be cursed?


Watch out!

To add to the bitching...

I had two people last night tell me point blank they liked my hair better when it was long.

Both within 4 minutes of each other.




One of them I didn't even realize I knew.

I had the most uncomfortable day at work today.

To give you an idea...

How it started:

I get into the car with the girl I've never worked with before and she asks me how my weekend was.

Me: Really good. I went to my cousins wedding.

Her: I went to a funeral.


And how it ended:

Some dude: Oh my god! I'm so sorry! I saw you earlier and thought you were a BOY!

Me: Why would you tell me that?

Some Dude: It's cause of your hair.

Me: You're not very charming.

So True!

Some chubby hipster found my blog by googling "oversized skinny t-shirt."

Tyra Banks: Media Empress

Tranny: I'm a post op transsexual.

Tyra: (interrupting to explain to the audience) So that means you have nothing down there.

Tranny: (pause) There's something down there. It's the same thing you have down there.

Tyra: (Pause) Oh... Well... (immediate subject change).




I shouldn't stay up so late.

My new favorite game

Drink every time you see a celebrity on the Planet Green channel.




I wonder if it counts as community service?

You're fucked up like me on the weekends.

I'm quietly sitting at the kitchen table this morning when I hear the sound of a loud truck. Because I'm 12 and expecting a Wii to come in the mail any day now, I jump up and run to the front window.

Outside a dump truck comes to a stop. The backend rider flings a snake from the truck into my front yard and hops off after him. The man then grabs a plastic snow shovel and proceeds to beat the living shit out of the snake. Using the blade end of the shovel he is clearly trying to chop the head off, but because it's plastic all he seems to be doing is breaking bones.

"Jesus Christ." I say out loud.

Naturally my mother comes over.

"What's he doing? Is he killing that snake? Where did it come from? What's he doing?"

The snake is barley moving, but not dead. Since the plastic shovel isn't working he returns to the truck and pulls out a metal ended one. It's much heavier and he hits the snake once more in the head. Then, just for kicks, he goes along the length of the nearly still body, leaving visual divots as the shovel crushes ribs and back bone against the concrete sidewalk. Satisfied, he jumps back on the truck and drives away.

Outside the snake is still for a moment. We soon realize his is paralyzed, but not dead as the delicate tip of his tail slowly rises. He carefully wags it back and forth, the very tip flops over so it's nearly grazing the concrete. Eventually the tail lays down and the snake makes one last effort, squeezing his entire body and arching about an inch off the ground. He finally relaxes and lays still.

My mother and I close the plantation shutters and return to the interior of the house.

***

That night myfather threw the snake into a creek behind a neighbor's house while my mother made spaghetti for family dinner.

I opted for a sandwich instead.